Andy Beers’s Soccer Blog
Challenges and Rewards of Coaching Youth Soccer
Don’t set your expectations based on what you see online.
I recently saw a thread on a soccer bulletin board in which a coach of a team of six-year-olds asked for input on how to encourage his players to be better passers. He referred to a few drills he had seen on the internet and lamented that although his team showed promise during practice, they failed to execute in games. The first few responses were positive attempts to help as other coaches gave suggestions of alternatives to try, encouraging words, and links to more drills. I scrolled down the list of comments; one stood out. It reminded me of a few problem-solving meetings I attended where the group earnestly worked together and struggled, and then a voice from someone older and wiser chimed in from the back of the room. The sage’s suggestion was based on years of experience. They had watched the group struggle and rehash a topic the sage encountered years before. The sage had no interest in steering the meeting or taking over; they wanted to see the group succeed, so they offered straightforward advice that was met with utter silence as meeting participants executed a collective facepalm in response to an embarrassingly obvious aha moment. The soccer sage advised: “You’re expecting way too much from six-year-olds. Six-year-old players don’t pass.”
I read those words and smiled. His comment caught me off guard. I had been caught up in the discussion. Visions of players expertly executing a passing drill were whirling through my brain when I read the sage’s words. Those words brought me back to reality—the vision vaporized. It wasn’t real. I had encountered it on the internet where spectacular events dominate and normal, everyday, routine things don’t make the cut. And that’s my message:
Don’t get frustrated by your high expectations stemming from research conducted online. Don’t behave like an awkward teenager flipping through a fashion magazine, comparing themselves to what they see. What’s in that magazine and on the internet are rare events recorded under unknown conditions. You have no idea how many takes were required to catch the perfect moment or how much editing was done to produce the image you see.
Don’t get me wrong: I doubt that online soccer advice is as manipulated as fashion content. A fantastic abundance of altruistic soccer advice is posted purely to help those seeking assistance. Soccer coaches should use it, and the generous, knowledgeable folks who post it should keep doing so. But don’t judge yourself or your team when the perfect objective of athleticism or teamwork is not realized. Remember how far you and the team have come; remember that there will always be room for improvement.
Be patient. Sometimes, it takes time for new ideas to be digested and for understanding to replace confusion. Alternatively, ask yourself if there is another way to teach the skill. Maybe the weak link is your ability to explain what you want and not the player’s resistance to comply. Use visual aids: show the players what you are trying to achieve by sharing a YouTube video so they can see the play in motion. Pause the action and assign players roles so they can imagine themselves in real-time as they watch.
Still, if the team fails to achieve, consider a reality check. Remind yourself that soccer is supposed to be fun. Make the squad work, then reward them regardless of the outcome. If the objective turns out to be beyond your team’s ability, take heart because you have planted the seeds of success in the future. A soccer tactic that makes sense to you will also appeal to your more experienced players, and they may master it and lead the way at another time.
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Chapter 5—Off-Season Activities
The winters in Colorado were relatively mild, with many sunny, dry days. Owen often played soccer at school during recess with a new friend, Jackson, whose family had temporarily relocated. The two became fast friends and played together every day.
Judy and I spent the off-season working and parenting. I was a research scientist at the university, and Judy was a psychologist. My job was a "soft-money" position, meaning I was self-funded, obtaining my income by writing proposals and conducting field and laboratory research. It was a precarious way to earn a living, made easier because I worked in a laboratory with similarly funded researchers, and we helped each other succeed.
Some aspects of my job were exciting. I had investigations in remote parts of the western United States and worked in spectacular locations for a few weeks every year. Fieldwork made my job more interesting, but there was an unfortunate tendency for one of our sons to get sick whenever I left town on a trip. When that happened, Judy had to cancel her clients and reschedule so she could stay home with a sick child. Most of her patients were good-natured about the inconvenience. Still, it seemed unfair that she had to sacrifice her work under those circumstances.
As winter turned to spring, our family started to think about soccer again. I attended a clinic for beginner coaches presented by the Soccer Club. It was taught by an older coach who was very laid back about playing soccer. His demeanor and how he explained the game de-emphasized winning and highlighted having fun in a positive environment. He mentioned that parents often get in the way of that philosophy and said that deep down, he wished they would drop their kids off at games and stay away until it was all over. As a parent, I was confused by his statement; it was counterintuitive, but I made a mental note. He also encouraged coaches not to pay attention to the score and advised that if a player asks about it, tell them we didn’t keep score. He had more experience than I, and his justification made sense to me. The idea of emphasizing fun rather than the score appealed because that is what I wanted Owen to get from the experience—fun. I didn’t have dreams of him becoming an Olympic athlete who needed to train his entire life to achieve a pinnacle of success. That seemed unrealistic because it wasn’t in his family history, or our temporal and fiscal budgets. I wanted a positive, fun experience that made him fit and provided an opportunity to experience success as part of a team. I knew he would not win all of his games, and I had no answer for the self-imposed question, “If winning is all a player cares about, what do they take away from a loss?” Consequently, I embraced my instructor’s philosophy of de-emphasizing the score and forged ahead without knowing the answers to all the questions about how to be a successful soccer coach.
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Judy and I were getting to know the ins and outs of recreational soccer. While I was preparing for another coaching experience, Judy played the registration game. Thousands of kids played soccer in our city. Parents lined up at the soccer office on the first registration day because they had to act fast to get their players on the neighborhood team. There was a lot of turnover on teams in Owen's age group, and it was likely that he would be assigned a new one. We wanted him to join our local team so he could play with his school friends. Judy registered early to increase the chances that we got what we wanted. The plan worked. When we showed up for the first practice in April, Jackson and several of Owen’s other friends were there.
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The Role of First Impressions in Evaluating a Coach
This looks complicated, but parents accomplish it in seconds.
Imagine that it is your child's first day of soccer practice. You and your player are anxious as you approach the practice field to meet the coach for the first time, and you wonder: What will the coach be like?
The following are descriptions of two soccer coaches. What is your assessment of them?
Coach Cory: Charismatic—hard-working—impulsive—demanding—stubborn
Coach Tom: Stubborn—demanding—impulsive—hard working—charismatic
If you are like me, you prefer Coach Cory. Both coaches have identical characteristics, but the first trait in the list influences your perception of those that follow. A charismatic coach who is stubborn may evoke a sense of high expectations for achievement. A stubborn coach who is charismatic may raise the concern of parents who fear a master manipulator.
First impressions matter. Both coaches have the same qualities, but your intuition about each coach was guided by the first thing you learned about them—your first impression*.
The effect of your first impression colors your perception of everything else the coach does. Anchoring your assessment based on your first impression is not a thoughtful strategy for evaluating the skill of your child’s soccer coach. How do you resist your internal urge to judge based on limited knowledge? In short, collect more information and keep an open mind. Be aware of your biases, and that your goal is to help your child learn the game of soccer. Remember that no coach is perfect.
To guard against bad judgment, begin your coach evaluation long before the first day of practice. Prior to enrolling on a team, inquire of other parents about the coach’s demeanor, player attitudes, fundraising requirements, and tournament participation. If you don’t know a team parent, ask those questions of the coach as soon as possible. Once practices begin, attend them and observe the coach.
The decision tree at the top of this blog represents the thought process parents navigate when evaluating their child’s coach. It looks complicated, but parents do it intuitively in seconds. All decisions lead to productive soccer seasons except the one that asks, Is the coach unacceptable? A parent who answers “Yes” to that question has some options. If they can change teams, they should act quickly because, in most cases, conflict with the coach does not emerge until the season is well underway and other team rosters will be closing. Under those circumstances, there may be no alternative but to quit the team and the season. If that is the outcome, parent and player should discuss why quitting is acceptable because you will be setting a precedent for your child. Quitting should not be encouraged just because something is difficult. On the other hand, quitting can be the right choice if a player has concluded that soccer is not for them or a parent disagrees with a coach’s philosophy of competitiveness or teaching style.
Alternatively, if you conclude that your coach isn’t great but not unacceptable, you should consider what you can do to fill in the gaps. Perhaps the coach is as new to the game as you or is overwhelmed by the number of players. In that case, volunteering to assist them can be a great help. Befriend the coach and figure out how you can complement their strengths and weaknesses so that you can learn from each other. The more time you spend together, the more you will learn. You will see that their job is more difficult than you imagined. Still, there will be glimmers of hope as a routine is established, the team jells, and everyone finds the rhythm that comes with experience.
If you lack the time or skill to help a struggling coach, it is okay to bow out. Realizing your limitations will help you understand the coach’s perspective, which is a step toward finding common ground.
If you find yourself in conflict with the coach over an issue, it is critical to keep your cool. Discussing the situation calmly is the first step toward resolving conflict between a player and coach. Most young players lack the confidence to compose a good argument and will avoid confronting a coach alone. They will need the help of an adult to make a convincing case.
To be successful, avoid ambushing a coach two minutes before the start of practice. Talk to them privately after practice or via phone conversation. Be aware of your feelings. If you are agitated, compose yourself before addressing the coach. Adopt a problem-solving attitude and try to connect with the coach by offering your hand and introducing yourself. Plan your points of discussion to communicate effectively and think in flexible ways. Let your compassion for your child and other players override your frustration. Think about solving the problem long-term and avoid entertaining your short-term urge to use a clenched fist. If all these things fail, walk away—be the parent others admire because you handled the situation well.
First impressions reveal only some of what a coach has to offer. Developing a soccer player or building a successful team demands collective effort and collaboration. Working together is not always easy, especially when children and their parents are involved. Conflict is inevitable even with the coach of your dreams. Keeping a long-term view of what is best for your player is the key. Avoid thinking about game scores and consider whether players are motivated, improving, and having fun. Those are things that will make your player successful in soccer and life.
*Kahneman, D. (2013) Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux. New York.
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Chapter 4—Toilet Paper and Vomit
There was much to do the following week. Coach Kathy took the lead but was running out of ideas. On the other hand, I had a list of weaknesses that needed attention based on our performance in the game. One of them was our kickoff.
Soccer kickoffs are confusing to players and parents accustomed to playing American football. In American football, opponents kick off to the other team; in soccer, the objective is to kick off and keep possession. That can be accomplished in various ways; unfortunately, no one on our team had thought about teaching them. It was apparent to me that walking up to the center line and starting the game by blasting the ball to our opponent made no sense because they came right back at us. So, I studied and went to practice with a roll of toilet paper and a lecture in my head about maintaining possession.
There was no lined field at the schoolyard where we practiced. We made do by demarcating an area using cones, but lines would have been a better tool for providing reference points for our young players. Without lines, it was difficult for players to get a feel for the size of the field and where they should be relative to other teammates. So, when we finished our dribbling and shooting drills, and Kathy looked to me for suggestions of what we should do next, I whipped out my toilet paper and said, “I think we should practice kickoffs.”
Kathy stared at me in a way that expressed confusion and concern, probably because toilet paper has a specific purpose. Before she could ask an awkward question, I used it to make a centerline on our imaginary field. Then I instructed half our team to prepare for kickoff by toeing the centerline (which they did because they could see it) and arranged the remaining players in opposition. I explained that instead of kicking the ball to the other team, we would pass it sideways to one of our players so they could receive it and dribble toward the goal. That said, I picked a player to kick and got out of the way. The outcome was predictable: the first player blasted the ball straight ahead to the other team, like always. I stepped in and halted play. "Try it again,” I said as I repositioned players. A second chance was all it took. The kicker passed the ball across the field toward his teammate. The defending team knew our plan, so they jumped the ball and won it, but the seed of the concept was planted in those six-year-old brains. The toilet paper lasted long enough to give each team a couple of tries, and then we finished the day with a scrimmage.
That weekend, we blasted the ball to the other team on kickoffs, but we had orange slices at halftime, so we were on a roll. Shouting “Get the ball” still wasn't working, and we didn't win, but our first-time players were becoming more comfortable and aggressive. Owen seemed to be having fun. “Two games down, six to go. Just get through it,” Judy and I told each other.
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By the fourth week of practice, parent participation dwindled. That was okay because we settled into a routine. Our striking had improved dramatically from the first practice. "Step and kick,” I told players, and with each repetition, their kicks became crisper. All aspects of our game were improving, but unlike many opponents, we didn’t have a star player. That was the random factor in coaching a recreational soccer team. Teams were stuck with assigned players, and sometimes, no matter how hard they worked, they didn’t have the natural ability to go toe-to-toe with others. As coaches faced with that reality, all we could do was try to make soccer fun while teaching the fundamentals of dribbling, passing, and shooting.
It didn’t seem right that we had a star, Nathan, but he left the team because his parents didn’t think our group was competitive enough. They saw struggling coaches and weak players and intervened on their son’s behalf. Their actions disrupted the parity between teams established by the Soccer Club’s semi-random player assignment process, and we were the victims of their decision. I wondered how Nathan might have responded if his parents viewed the situation as a teaching moment and told him, “You have a chance to lead this team. Lead by example. Don’t flaunt your ability. Teach them what you know and help them get better.” Nathan was a nice boy and a good athlete. If he had been given the proper encouragement and stayed with our team, he could have learned leadership as well as how to kick a soccer ball.
Our game that week became etched in my memory because of one thing—chunky vomit. The event started well. Our team was focused and competitive, but by halftime, we trailed our opponent by a goal. As players came off the field, they grabbed a drink and looked for orange slices. Unfortunately, there were none because someone forgot their responsibility. There was a long, awkward pause as we all stared across the field at the other team devouring their energy-rich delicacy. The tie-dyed family had the end-of-the-game treat that week. It was a spectacularly large stainless-steel bowl filled with a great variety of granola bars and cookies, more than enough for every player. Not wanting to disappoint, they offered up the bowl. The gesture seemed like a bad idea to me because the bowl held more than required for a halftime snack, but Kathy was the coach.
When the bowl hit the ground, it was like hungry lions on a dead zebra. The sound of ripping wrappers and ravenous chewing shattered the peaceful halftime break. The tie-dyed player must have been coveting the treats for days because he stood over the bowl and stuffed in one after another. Ten minutes were enough for the carnage to subside and our eight boys to get their fill. Then the referee called us back to the field. The team played well at first. Our opponent pressured hard, but we fought off the attacks. Players were working and doing a lot of running, but their circulatory systems could not simultaneously supply the needs of their legs and digestive tracts. It took about six minutes for the tie-dyed kid's stomach to reject its contents. He was near our sideline when he suddenly stopped running and started coughing. It was an ugly cough, the kind that attracts a parent's attention. His back was to me, but I saw his body hunched over, silhouetted against the morning sun as he began to hurl chunky granola.
The ref stopped the game and signaled to our sideline for help. Parents and Coach Kathy converged on the afflicted player cautiously, careful not to get too close. I was confused and greatly concerned. Then as the second kid started to heave in a less spectacular fashion, I realized what was happening. All that running on a full stomach was not a good combination.
Fortunately, only three players suffered that day because of bad parental judgment, and Owen was not one of them. There was no penalty for delay-of-game due to chain-reaction barfing. The referee let the clock run while the pukefest proceeded, so the second half went fast. We didn’t win. Nobody cared. We were just glad that it was over.
The rest of the season was a blur of practices and games. By the end of October, it was over. We managed to win two games, and our players improved. Owen was addicted and loved soccer. He had a knack for dribbling the ball closely in a crowd and was becoming the standout player on our team. A new soccer ball would be on his Christmas list, and more coaching was in my future.
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Why do humans feel joy when they work together?
In Chapter 3 – Hooked for Life, I blogged that my son enjoyed his first game even though the team was defeated. I attributed his enthusiasm and joy to intangible properties, like overcoming a novel challenge or working together to achieve a common goal. Owen enjoyed physically challenging himself, and the day provided many new opportunities. A few opponents were stronger than him; others were less talented, and I’m sure that some of his enthusiasm after the game was due to the thrill of the skirmishes he won. However, I think the other intangible, which involved cooperating with others to achieve a common goal, was the factor that most inspired him at the game's end. I have always wondered, Why?
Owen cooperated with two entities on that game day: his teammates and me. As my son, his link was obvious, but there was more to our interaction than a familial dependency.
Our collaboration started weeks before the game as we began to kick a ball around and play together. At practices, he helped me introduce new ideas and work with players until some semblance of understanding and ability emerged. On our first game day, Owen and I continued to prepare. We woke early enough to have breakfast and warm up in the backyard. Then, we arrived at the field in time to watch the end of the game played before ours. Neither of us had played a soccer game; observing one reduced our uncertainty and calmed our nerves. During his game, Owen was on the field surrounded by teammates who hopefully cooperated and succeeded with him.
When the final whistle blew and the handshake exchange was concluded, Owen, the team, and I had successfully worked together to achieve a common goal—we survived our first game. We had avoided embarrassment and at least played a competitive match, even if we did not win. Those events combined to produce a sense of accomplishment, but I still wondered, What aspect of human nature produced the joy we felt because we worked together? The answer to that question was much bigger than the game of soccer and required the application of scientific principles from psychology and neuroscience. Despite my curiosity, those fields were not my area of expertise; I had to accept the possibility that I might never know why Owen smiled and leaped into my arms that day after our first game—years passed, then a decade.
Five months ago, I read something that changed my mind. I was thumbing through a popular science journal and happened upon an article entitled Synchronized Minds*. The piece was about collective neuroscience, which investigates how our brains synchronize when we converse or share experiences (Yes, you read that right—brain synchrony is real, not science fiction).
Researchers have studied the brains of mice, bats, and humans, all social animals, and found that when they are exposed to the same sights and sounds, their brain waves synchronize. Investigators who study this phenomenon use various high-tech instruments to image brain activity in test subjects tasked with completing predefined activities. The findings are the same regardless of whether the study animals are in the same room or separated by hundreds of miles—brains that simultaneously experience the same stimuli respond similarly and become synchronized. Moreover, when test subjects are allowed to communicate and cooperate, a feedback loop develops that increases brain synchrony, which, in turn, may improve communication and cooperation. Humans who participated reported that the predefined tasks were more enjoyable when they cooperated than when they completed the tasks independently.
That finding was my eureka moment and suggested a likely answer to my question: Why do humans feel happy when they work together to achieve? My answer is that we feel gratified when we work together because our brains contain evolutionary baggage inherited from our hunter-gatherer ancestors, who gained a survival advantage when they learned to communicate and cooperate. Over millions of years, those behavior patterns became ingrained in our brains and genetics. The joy we feel when we cooperate successfully is our brain’s way of rewarding our body so that we continue working together. Nowadays, when we play soccer, succeeding doesn’t produce a survival advantage like it did when our ancestors cooperated in killing a wooly mammoth so their clan could eat. However, the brain-chemistry reward response is still with us.
Much about the phenomenon of brain synchrony is still unknown. What’s certain is that brains are not like quantum-entangled particles that mysteriously communicate faster than the speed of light via an unknown mechanism. Brains synchronize based on the stimuli they receive through our five senses. Then, higher-order thinking processes interpret the information. One of those processes is known as a mirror mechanism. When I watch a player kick a ball, mirror neurons in my brain are activated, which are also activated when I actually perform the same task. Those dual-purpose neurons play a role in perception and action and seem a likely mechanism for brain synchrony.
Not surprisingly, brain synchrony seems stronger between socially close individuals, and it is probably involved in more than cooperation and conversation; it may also play a role in teaching and learning, cultivating friendships, and maybe soccer coaching.
Brain synchrony explains why Owen and I felt joy at the end of our first game, even though the match was lost. We spent weeks working, practicing, planning, and jointly preparing for the game. When it was over, and I approached to congratulate him, our eyes met, and our brains synced. I saw his nonverbal cues: dilated pupils, fast breathing, skin flushed from exertion, and smile. It is no wonder that we had the same idea at the same time. When he jumped into my arms, I experienced one of the best moments of my life.
*Denworth, L. (2023). Synchronized minds. Scientific American, 329(1), 50-57.
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Chapter 3—Hooked for Life
It would be an overstatement to say that Owen’s hug hit me like a lightning bolt, but it did hook me deeply. That hug and the surge of dopamine it produced in my brain convinced me that soccer was good for him. His reaction persuaded me that he had enjoyed the experience and that positive things could be achieved regardless of whether a game was won or lost. He had a great time; I saw it in his eyes and behavior.
Why he responded the way he did was unclear to me. It wasn’t scoring a goal or attaining a tremendous victory—neither of those things happened. It was something else that had to do with his brain perceiving a reward for intangible properties like overcoming a novel challenge or working together to achieve a common goal. Intangibles were not in my thoughts that day after our first game, and they wouldn't occur to me for years. My decisions were made in the blind as I forged ahead without experience, doing what I thought was right.
The other thing Owen’s hug did was put me on a collision course with other soccer participants, especially coaches, because we were motivated by different interests. I was participating to parent my child; some other soccer dads and moms were there to lead their child’s team to victory. They dreamed of the day when they could field eleven players on the big field, win it all, throw up their hands in triumph, and get drenched by the contents of a Gatorade bucket. That was not my dream. I hoped for wins but was motivated more by physical fitness, fair play, teamwork, and fun.
Those contrasting philosophies pitted us against each other and produced conflict that often confronted me before I could respond effectively. Solving a problem while still learning the game's rules was difficult. To become an effective coach, I had to live the experience while investing effort to build a foundation of knowledge and, perhaps, wisdom. Amid that struggle, children were looking to me for guidance and leadership. That was a sobering responsibility, but there was a silver lining: it was soccer for six-year-olds. How hard could it be?
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How Should a Coach Respond to Frequent Losses?
I recently watched Ted Lasso, season one, episode three, for the first time. Spoiler alert: it made an impression on me, so if you have never seen the show, you should consider bingeing the first three episodes before reading on.
I learned about the show last week when Judy started watching it. I walked into our living room as she finished the episode. She had a laughing glow about her, the kind of glow people have when they watch a feel-good show with a happy ending. She encouraged me to watch, “You’ll like it. It’s about soccer and positive coaching.” I’m not totally stupid—when my wife of thirty-six years, who is also a psychologist, tells me that she thinks I will like something, I try it. Days passed before I found the time to start a new series that I might be tempted to binge-watch.
My hesitation evaporated today. I watched the pilot as I ate my lunch, then chased it with episode two. At first, I was confused by Ted’s demeanor. The show was humorous, of course, but his behavior was odd. It left me wondering if Ted’s goofy behavior was intended to be funny, or was it supposed to be a natural part of his character? Three episodes in, I concluded that Ted Lasso’s character is supposed to be a seriously optimistic, positive coach. He is a charismatic extravert with a good heart who wins people over with his behavior. The first two episodes are about introducing characters and Ted’s profound optimism. Episode three is about Ted’s dedication to the idea that a team and its players should not be concerned if they win or lose but should care about how they play the game and that even at the professional level, a coach’s responsibility is to prepare players for life beyond soccer. Ted achieves that objective by helping them rediscover what is already within them so they become better people.
Like Judy, I was glowing after episode three because when I coached, I tried to teach my players more than soccer. I wish Ted Lasso had been trending twenty-five years ago when I began coaching. I doubt it would have changed my approach, but it would have given me more confidence that what I was doing was right.
I was rarely exposed to ideas like Ted’s during my coaching time. There were a few occasions when I attended soccer clinics and encountered old soccer sages who contended that recreational soccer shouldn’t emphasize winning but should be about teaching the game of soccer and mentoring. Their recommendations made enough of an impression on me that I embraced the idea of trying not to care about the outcome of a game. I followed the advice of those old soccer dogs because I knew they had years of experience and must have succeeded in coaching to achieve their positions. I also embraced what they taught because being defeated by an opponent is part of playing soccer—every game has a winner and a loser unless the contest ends in a tie. Novice coaches experience more than their share of defeats. The philosophy espoused by those soccer clinic instructors provided the only answer to self-imposed questions like, If winning is all I care about, what do I take away from a loss? What do I do if I coach a team saddled with players who don’t have the skill to defeat others in the league? How do I inspire players to return week after week if they lose every game? Those tough questions needed answers.
For me, tackling what to do after a loss was easy—keep coaching. Show up at the next practice with a positive attitude, a mountain of enthusiasm, and a list of drills that addressed the team's weaknesses. Turn the crank and keep working in preparation for the next game.
For the team, composing an answer to the question of how to inspire after a loss was more difficult because I wasn’t sure what would work. My solution was to be honest with players and set goals that could be accomplished. I made it clear that I respected hard work regardless of individual skill level, and I encouraged players to be resilient. When we lost a game, I tried to highlight positive things that occurred during the contest, like personal-best moments or mastering new skills. I emphasized that I was proud that the team kept battling when we fell behind during matches. I reminded them that nothing could be accomplished if we stopped playing, but if we kept working, there was a chance of a win, and at a minimum, we could “use the other team for practice” and improve our game. My intent was not to coerce the team with false words. I meant what I said because I wanted them to learn the reward of working to achieve an objective, improve, and consistently win. My words worked. Players returned week after week and year after year.
When we won, we celebrated. When we lost, we kept working. When we faced a familiar opponent that we knew outclassed us, we met the challenge together, took our lumps, and moved on. Adversity highlighted our weaknesses and gave us the opportunity to work together to achieve personal and shared goals. Accomplishing that took coping skills, mental toughness, effort, discipline, and teamwork.
Keeping practices fun was a challenge. Despite my vision for the team, the reality was that I was coaching children who participated because they wanted to play soccer, not learn coping skills. Consequently, I had to curb my expectations and chip away at weaknesses using fast-paced drills that players enjoyed. At times, the pace of improvement was painfully slow. However, using positive coaching and fun games to teach players was more productive than training them using rigid drills and criticism. Ultimately, players improved and seemed to enjoy practices and the challenge of games.
Winning was always my objective, but sometimes wins were elusive. Still, individual skills improved over time. Because practices were fun, players returned whatever the outcome of games. Consistent attendance and a fun environment helped us become a team. Regardless of the score, we all shared the successes of conquering physical challenges, building friendships, learning to overcome adversity, and working together.
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Chapter 2—First Game, First Great Moment
Owen and I both felt uneasy about our first game. Although we spent a couple of weeks practicing soccer, neither of us had ever played a game, and we were uncomfortable not knowing what to expect. I was thinking about coaching-related things like how to kick off or interact with referees. Owen was worried about playing well and avoiding embarrassment. On game day, we ate breakfast, then Owen put on his uniform, and we warmed up for a while in the backyard. As game time drew near, Judy and I loaded Owen and his little brother, Wade, into the van and headed to the park.
We arrived a few minutes early so Owen and I could watch the end of the game played before ours. It was a cool but sunny September morning. We arrived at a field surrounded by shouting parents and populated by six players from each team. Our players were small, and so was everything else. The pitch was about forty feet wide by sixty feet long; the goals were about four feet tall by six feet wide. The convention was that teams occupied opposite sides of the field, and parents stayed with the teams. A single referee regulated the game with the help of one parent from each sideline to act as a side judge when the ball went out of bounds. Games comprised four ten-minute quarters with a ten-minute break at halftime. Lastly, there were no goalkeepers for our age group. Every player was supposed to be actively involved in the game. However, some always wanted to stand in the goal and defend it regardless of where the ball was.
Parenting is a process bursting with first-time experiences. Most adults do not spontaneously decide to attend a child’s soccer game, even if they are unusually curious. I was no different from most. Because I never played soccer and lacked an enthusiastic niece or nephew who invited me to one of their games, I needed to learn quickly to succeed as a first-time coach. I felt nervous as I watched because some players were much better than ours, but I grew more confident as I learned how games progressed. Finally, the referee gave his whistle three long blasts, signifying the end of the game. The two teams lined up at midfield, and players and coaches shook hands. Then, the event was over. Players and siblings ran everywhere while one group of parents started to depart so the next set of parents could move in. Coach Kathy directed our players to a spot on the sideline near midfield, and parents arranged their blankets or folding chairs in a row behind the team.
The day's first challenge was that the grass was wet with dew, an inconvenience for those who had neglected to bring something to sit on or were sensitive to clammy toes. The second challenge, the other team, was a more significant concern because they were better prepared and more capable than us. The first half was a blur as our inexperienced players and coaches struggled. Kathy mostly let the team play because she didn’t know what else to do. When the referee signaled halftime, we trailed and regrouped as best we could. Once again, the other team was better prepared with a snack of oranges; we managed with water and Gatorade. During the second half, Kathy became frustrated and often shouted at players to “Get the ball.” Her instructions went unheeded. Every parent was yelling. I doubt any player could perceive helpful information through the noise. Ultimately, we did not win, but the game was competitive.
For me, the highlight of the day came at the game’s end. The final whistle blew, and the two teams headed to the middle of the field to shake hands. I did not go because I was just a helper parent; Kathy was the coach. As I watched, an incredible feeling of relief came over me. We had made it through our first game, and Owen had done well. With a sense of accomplishment, I felt the urge to hug and congratulate him, so I started to walk out onto the field. He was halfway back from the handshake when he saw me. We made eye contact, and he must have read my mind. He broke into a run, carving out an arcing path across the field before leaping into my arms. It was a solid chest bump that transformed into a hug and a Disney moment. He wrapped his arms around my neck and clung to me with his sweaty little body, like a ball of muscle and energy, his scratchy soccer cleats against my legs. I hugged him back. The moment didn't last long. Then he was gone, passing it on to Judy and Wade. The combination of relief and a sense of accomplishment, coupled with my child's gratitude, made that moment one of the best of my life.
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My Motivation for Writing
What made me decide to compose a book about my soccer coaching experiences? Well … I coached my kids' teams for a combined total of sixteen years. That’s a significant portion of my life. I never kept a diary, but some events were important enough to me that I wrote them down over the years. I have always wanted to compile my thoughts because they tell a story my children would enjoy and from which others could learn. What held me back until recently were the activities of my life. As a working parent, I helped my children navigate the challenges of school, athletics, homework, and other daily activities before and after I went to work. I didn’t have time or motivation to write until some of those things ran their courses. Fortunately, the years have been good to my brain—I remember enough to tell the story accurately, and my recent retirement affords me time to write.
But there is more to the story.
Sometimes, in life, it seems like the universe speaks to you. Things happen that could be a random coincidence or God encouraging you to do something. There is a scene in the movie Bruce Almighty where the main character suffers a spiritual crisis and searches for direction in his life. As he drives on a dark, rainy night, odd things happen that seem to be sending him messages: caution signs flash yellow; stop signs lean in; road closure warnings tell him to turn back. I had a day like that when contemplating writing a book about my experiences as a rec soccer coach, except the messages I received were positive.
The events happened on a typical workday morning. I had spent a few days thinking hard about committing to the writing process when I received a 1, 2, 1 combination of soccer punches that encouraged me to stop thinking and start acting.
As Judy and I went through our morning routines, Good Morning America buzzed in the background. An advertisement for professional soccer appeared during a commercial break. That was unusual and caught my attention. Soccer commercials are rare on the show. Then, GMA featured a spot with actor Ryan Reynolds, whose investment in a semipro soccer team was paying off. Those two events seemed an odd coincidence, but I wasn’t convinced because they were probably the result of a savvy advertising strategy. However, a third event occurred almost simultaneously: Judy's niece texted that her five-year-old daughter had signed up to play soccer, and her husband was coaching the team. It was atypical for Judy’s niece to share updates early on a work day, and I couldn’t help but ask myself, What were the chances that those three events happened in the same 5 minutes while I contemplated writing about my soccer adventure? Was the universe speaking to me, or was it a case of confirmation bias where my brain connected unrelated events because of my preoccupation? There was no way to know the answer, but those events tipped the scales in favor of investing the time to write a book.
I don’t know what the outcome will be. I would love for it to be a memoir about the soccer activities I shared with my children, but there is a long way to go—I can see a glimmer at the end of a book-writing tunnel, but it is dim, and much work remains. In addition, publicly sharing my thoughts and feelings about our family and their personal experiences terrifies me—almost to the point of surrender. But I push on because those familiar with what I have written tell me it offers a different perspective.
My connection to the literary world is small, very small. I know only two people, and neither has time for handholding or has published a memoir about life experiences. They do what they can to help. They tell me that books by unknown authors are almost universally poor money-makers, so I have shelved my dreams of writing a best seller. My story is not about a college athlete turned pro or an Olympic star who scored a winning goal in the 89th minute. I’m settling for relating my experience as an average soccer parent because millions of moms and dads like me must navigate a soccer ordeal with their children but lack the knowledge I accumulated over sixteen years.
When I started coaching, I was ignorant about everything related to soccer. When I finished, I was a confident, knowledgeable coach, comfortable in my philosophy to make soccer fun and competitive while emphasizing mentoring over playing to win. Intuition and experience guided my approach—hindsight shows it was sound. I learned that coaching recreational sports is about much more than teaching a game. It’s also an opportunity to help children overcome weaknesses, learn to win with grace, and cope effectively with losing while managing the influence of adults. Attaining that perspective was not easy, but it was a rewarding endeavor that will influence my family and me for the rest of our lives. That story is worth sharing.
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Chapter 1—Baptism by Soccer
If [it] keeps putting one foot in front of the other without stopping, even a lame turtle can go a thousand li.
- Hsun Tzu
I like this 2200-year-old piece of advice. It’s the perfect simile for my experience as a soccer coach because I was like a lame turtle when I began coaching—struggling and slow. I didn’t know enough about the sport to be anything else, but I kept working and eventually got where I wanted to go.
I coached recreational soccer for my three children for 16 years. When I began coaching, I didn’t know anything about the game. I grew up in Wisconsin, where football was king, and no one played soccer. Years later, when Judy and I thought soccer would be a good outlet for our five-year-old son, I was conscripted into coaching because someone had to do it. That was the beginning of my soccer odyssey—a life experience that exposed me to some of the most challenging and rewarding situations I ever encountered.
A recurring theme in my experience was that I often confronted potentially life-changing decisions that involved my children without knowing how my actions would influence their futures. Those were frightening circumstances. Now, I can look back and evaluate what I did right and where I went wrong. Was it worth it? Would I do it again? I still ask myself those questions because there were marvelous moments when I watched my children grow and transform into young adults, and painful encounters when I witnessed them being treated unfairly and physically injured. I can’t undo the effects of those events. We still live with them every day. The story of how they influenced our lives is the future of this blog.
Let’s begin this story the same way I was introduced to the sport—with a discussion at the kitchen table.
Chapter 1
When I was growing up, I never played soccer, I never watched soccer, and I never wanted to be a soccer coach. Coaching soccer was thrust upon me when Judy and I decided that a sport involving running and balls would be good for our six-year-old son. Owen was a constantly moving, busy child. We tried tee-ball, but the pace was too slow for him. He spent his time on the field kicking up dust clouds and grinding holes into the ground by spinning in his kid-sized baseball cleats. He was a natural but didn’t love the game and was a little bored, so we continued our search.
The first time we suggested soccer, he was five years old. Owen was reluctant because he lacked experience with the game. We encouraged him, but he was unwilling, so we relented and waited. A year later, we suggested soccer again. The exchange was one of our first truly adult conversations with him. The opportunity came as we sat at our kitchen table on a lazy Saturday morning. Judy did most of the talking and adopted a playful, humorous mood like moms do when they state something ridiculously obvious.
“I think you will like it,” she said. “There will be lots of running, which you like to do, and lots of balls. You will be playing with your friends, which is also something you enjoy.”
Owen listened as Judy continued, “There will be practices after school during the week and games in parks around town on Saturdays. And if you don’t like it, you can quit. We want you to have a good time.”
I chimed in with a supportive nod and, “Yup,” but it was unnecessary. That last part had sealed the deal. It was a no-risk offer of something that sounded fun. Owen thought for a minute, then said, "Okay.” That was the beginning of our family soccer experience. I didn't know it, but I had just become a soccer coach.
I was thirty-six years old, and we lived in a university town where soccer was well organized. Thousands of kids played soccer on fields surrounded by cheering parents every weekend. The local soccer club oversaw that activity. It distributed registration forms, collected money, processed registration forms, assigned players to teams, painted fields, and, if no one volunteered, randomly picked a parent to be a coach and get things started. That "coach's" job was to contact each player and arrange the first practice. I unknowingly dodged that bullet. Instead, Kathy was selected, and she called us to organize things.
A few days later, we met on the playground at a local school, a short bicycle ride from our house. She introduced herself to our group and explained that she was the designated coach but lacked firsthand soccer knowledge. She wanted help. Her statement confused Judy and me because her title and the bag of equipment she possessed bolstered her authority. We assumed she had the experience to warrant the appointment. To her credit, Kathy came to practice with some activities and a sign-up sheet for the postgame treat. Those things only reinforced our confusion. We thought she was the coach, and because we did not want to overstep, we let her take the lead.
Under Coach Kathy’s direction, we adopted a communal approach to soccer, but as practice progressed, I realized that none of the parents knew how to teach the game—though some had played a little. Like me, they showed up because they thought soccer was the right thing to do for their kids, but without experience, coaching soccer was challenging.
I grew up in the Midwest at a time when no one played soccer. Instead, I played what Americans called football and participated in it during grade school and high school. I was not a great player, but my football coaches taught me a few fundamental things that are almost universal in athletics: step and kick, stay on your toes, bend your knees to lower your center of gravity so you can move quickly, and keep your head up so you can see your opponent. Armed with those basics, anyone can coach six-year-old soccer players. Since I didn't know much about soccer, I defaulted to that skill set on the first day. I emphasized good form, and things worked out. Players improved, and I began thinking about the game.
The nine boys on our team were all first-time players except one named Nathan. He was a friend of Owen’s from school. Judy and I were glad that Owen knew at least one kid on the team, but our relief was short-lived. While we practiced, Judy chatted with Nathan’s mom. She told Judy that because his skill level was more advanced than the rest of the team, she was going to inquire if he could be moved up one age level—there must have been room for him elsewhere because Nathan did not return.
By the second practice, I realized I had a knack for diagnosing why a player struggled with a particular skill and was good at suggesting how to improve. Unfortunately, other parents did not share that ability, and I wondered why they were unable to help appropriately. In general, parents either did nothing or tried to teach skills that were too advanced. They were teaching what they knew, but it was not what needed to be taught.
One parent, a tie-dyed dad, stood out. He had a great variety of beautiful, tie-dyed T-shirts but terrible teaching instincts. His idea of a productive drill was to challenge a player, take their ball, and then use his body to shield them from it. He defeated every player but only succeeded in teaching them how it felt to be dominated by a grown man with soccer experience and the ability to block them from the ball using a technique that put his butt in their face. I tried to redirect his actions by stepping in and conferring for a moment. “Don’t take the ball from them. Challenge and make them move the ball around you,” I suggested.
He didn’t say a word and either misunderstood or disagreed because he resumed his butt-shielding activity. That was my first lesson: Not all people are good coaches. His heart was in the right place, but he lacked the experience and judgment to do the right thing. Fortunately, soccer drills don’t last forever, and we moved on to the next activity—a scrimmage.
Kids participate in soccer because they want to play, so it made sense to our group of parent coaches to end practices with a scrimmage. But we could have done much more. A good soccer practice has four components: a warmup, an introduction to a skill, a drill that highlights the skill, and a game that reinforces the use of the skill. Unfortunately, our group of novice coaches was unaware of the convention. Our practices started with step two, which usually emphasized dribbling and shooting, then went straight to step four. Step four was simple: divide the team into two squads and scrimmage. That was when I first heard Kathy shout three words that I came to regard as the mark of a novice coach.
One squad dominated the scrimmage while the other struggled, managing only to chase the player with the ball. The weaker team likely felt tired and ready to go home. Frustrated with what she perceived as a lack of enthusiasm, Coach Kathy shouted, “Get the ball.” She urged the players on, but her voice sounded screechy and a little angry. Nothing changed; no player responded. A minute passed, and she shouted again—still nothing.
She was right. The weaker team needed to change their play, but they didn't know what to do, and telling them to “get the ball” did not relay helpful information. I knew something was wrong with what she was doing, especially because she seemed to be yelling at players out of frustration, but I couldn’t put my finger on why it was wrong and how to fix it. That was the challenge of being an inexperienced coach—I didn’t know what else to do. “Getting the ball” sounded simple, but it wasn’t. Coach Kathy needed to break down the process and teach players a skill to help them achieve what she wanted.
If I were to teach an adult to solve a calculus problem, I would not give them a pencil and paper and shout, “Solve the problem.” Instead, I would introduce them to new mathematic techniques and instruct them to use their existing algebra and thinking skills to find a solution. Similarly, “getting the ball” requires new tactics that build on existing athletic ability. Those skills are simple on their own. Each step is relatively easy and logical, but none of us parents knew the process. We were all uninformed, so we shouted, worked on skills, and scrimmaged in preparation for our first game.
The team was coming together. We had some players, including Owen, with natural abilities and some who could have been more enthusiastic. It seemed like an acceptable mix, and we thought we were ready for the first game. We looked forward to game day on Saturday.
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